People that wear RayBans-One soul=Awesome

For ages I have regarded the wayfarer as an iconic pair of sunglasses. Not the neon pair every kid owned with the heinous string that slung around their matching tank top. But the sleek black squarish frames! Or if you were super cool, the white frames with black lenses, color me cliche. Further proof ray-ban had the dominating stock on bad-assery:

That's effing right.

But recently a horrifying discovery was made:

It's hideous!

Is that some teenage glitter porn fantasy incarnate wearing the mother of all bad-ass accessories? Le sigh. It is indeed. The above image has taken the blues brothers and made them look like this

I want to be mad...but it's so delicious

The origin of the Vampires in Ray-Bans thing COULD be attributed to that one time Ray-Ban put their sunglasses on Vampires. Remember that? No? Well now you have to

I am now operating under the assumption you watched the link….

I remember seeing this ad on Tv and thinking ‘oh golly how incredibly new and edgy.’

I also remember how I used to use endearing 40’s style phrasing.

Regardless…The ad above tells us the following:

1:Ray-Bans are so awesome they will protect even Vampires from the sun.

2: Ray-Bans are edgy.

3: Vampires are dicks.

Now this, I got on board with. EXTRA SUPER BONUS for the observant reader, the Vampires in the ad weren’t even wearing Wayfarers. So ding ding ding, we eliminate that possibility.

Now recently, when I indulged in a little horrible television I came across a relatively new show featuring Vampires. (New meaning POST-TWILIGHT-APOCOLYPSE or PTA as I’ll now refer to it.) This show pops up a little PTA and features yet another set of attractive men pretending to be dead, and the adorable necrophiliacs who love them. This lead Vampire:

Im in the shdowz lurkin' n ur bdroom

And the crowd goes WILD. This show (The Vampire Diaries) has become THE most popular show on a network whose sole-purpose is to create popular shows. In the first episode in which above Vampire enters he is also rocking himself a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers. However, he ditches them momentarily and never rocks them again in the next 20 some odd episodes bringing forth once more rule number three from Ray-Ban lore,

Vampires are dicks.

ALSO

Holy hot hell.

Moving on.

The other concept I felt the need to bring up is once again the Bret Easton Ellis factor. Every character in his books is sporting some Wayfarers, it’s explicit in the text. These characters are another type of soul-less beast. The vapid social vampires. This taught me three more things.

1: Everyone in L.A is bi-sexual

2: Snorting drugs is like totally ok.

3: How to be snarky.

Also, bonus fourth, you can probably wear Wayfarers and get away with ANYTHING.

However, with the recent sporting of the style by ridiculous cultural icons the image in my mind goes from this:

To this

An un-sexy slippery slope.

Then there’s HBO’s True Blood that never has a Vampire in sunglasses, possibly due to the fact that they are seemingly the only fictional Vampires who can still not go out during the day. Rendering sunglasses useless unless they wish to make a fashion statement.

BOOM.

That was the sound of your brain exploding.

But True Blood has its own fashionable follies

If Vampires aren't pimping one thing, it's another.

So let me leave you with this.

The iconic shades of my youth are being used as foreplay for tweens with twihardons. And in a universe PTA, are any sweet sweet fashions safe?

If Edward shows up in the latest flick sporting a be-spangled cod-piece, must I take down my David Bowie posters? Only time will tell.

Oh, and

Vampire are dicks.

Depicted: Mockery.
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